I missed them.
As I was working in the office, the babysitter came in breathless, “Have you – did you know – he can walk!”
Me: Like… how far? [because I have seen him take a step or two and leap onto things- that’s not quite walking.]
Her: Like from here to here. [Think grand canyon width.]
Me: [Gulp.] No…I haven’t seen him do that.
My cheeks are burning with emotion even now a few days later as I think about it. I missed my first child’s first steps. Because I was working. Which I don’t want to be doing and have been struggling with SO MUCH recently.
More conversation took place after that before she left my office. After which, I breathed and told myself, It’s not a big deal. I’m fine. Fine, right? Surely it’s not even true.
Then tears. I was incapacitated for a while. Her friend came by to visit and my husband Brad came home for lunch. I could hear them all in there watching him walk (which I still hadn’t seen) and laughing and cheering him on. And there I was. In my office closet (where my desk is). Face in hands. Breaths shallow. Aching heart.
I left my office door closed part of the day and tried to ignore what had happened. My heart hurt too bad to recognize it.
Should I have just walked in there, swallowed my pride, and joined in the fun? Yes, I think so, looking back. But I wanted to be mad. My heart wanted to sin in this moment, to throw a pity party for myself instead of enjoy the big gift God has given me. My son, 11-months old, so eager for life!
I should have run in there and shouted, LET ME SEE!!!! Instead, I moped in a closet.