Samuel’s First Steps

I missed them.

As I was working in the office, the babysitter came in breathless, “Have you – did you know – he can walk!”

Me: Like… how far? [because I have seen him take a step or two and leap onto things- that’s not quite walking.]

Her: Like from here to here. [Think grand canyon width.]

Me: [Gulp.] No…I haven’t seen him do that.

My cheeks are burning with emotion even now a few days later as I think about it. I missed my first child’s first steps. Because I was working. Which I don’t want to be doing and have been struggling with SO MUCH recently.

More conversation took place after that before she left my office. After which, I breathed and told myself, It’s not a big deal. I’m fine. Fine, right? Surely it’s not even true.

Then tears. I was incapacitated for a while. Her friend came by to visit and my husband Brad came home for lunch. I could hear them all in there watching him walk (which I still hadn’t seen) and laughing and cheering him on. And there I was. In my office closet (where my desk is). Face in hands. Breaths shallow. Aching heart.

I left my office door closed part of the day and tried to ignore what had happened. My heart hurt too bad to recognize it.

Should I have just walked in there, swallowed my pride, and joined in the fun? Yes, I think so, looking back. But I wanted to be mad. My heart wanted to sin in this moment, to throw a pity party for myself instead of enjoy the big gift God has given me. My son, 11-months old, so eager for life!

I should have run in there and shouted, LET ME SEE!!!! Instead, I moped in a closet.

8 thoughts on “Samuel’s First Steps

  1. Valeria

    Hey!!! Congrats to Samuel!!! A very wise man(hahah, Peter) told me the other day: There is always a FIRST TIME that YOU get to see it! So enjoy that moment!!!

    1. Stephanie Post author

      Thank you, Valeria – and Peter haha. I’m glad to see you guys had an awesome week in Colombia! Can’t wait to see more of the apt in LA!!!

  2. Mel

    Oh sweetie! I can almost feel your ache through this screen. Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing what needs to be done in this season – helping to provide a home and being an awesome mommy to Samuel! These big sacrifices you’re making truly are creating a beautiful future for your family.

    Even as a non-working mom – I STILL miss milestones believe it or not. Seems like every time I step out of the house something good happens! I’m here practically 24/7 and they decide to talk or walk or whatever in the 1 hour a week I’m gone. Ridiculous!

    {{{hugs}}}

    1. Stephanie Post author

      I like to think we give them all of the love and “other stuff” they need so that they are confident when mommy isn’t there. Right? RIGHT!? That’s what I’m going to tell myself anyway, haha! Thanks, Mel. I’m starting to feel better about this, but it really did suck.

  3. Meagan

    Okay, why did this make me cry?? Yes, you should have blah blah blah, but when (not if) it happens to me I’ll be right in that closet with you. It is hard to describe, or make fathers understand, the bond between mamas and their babies. My heart hurts every day, in large part also because I realize this is a choice we’ve made thus far (career over staying home). The trouble is never knowing what is “right.” The good news is, Samuel will never remember that the babysitter saw it first, or likely who she is. He’ll always feel the love his Mama gave him. Merry Christmas, and enjoy the holiday with your “toddler” – haha!

    1. Stephanie Post author

      Aw – thanks meagan! I’m sorry I made you cry! It’s so hard, isn’t it!?!?! Definitely “right” is not absolute in this scenario. Sigh.
      You guys have an awesome Christmas too!

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