The decision was made. I am leaving my cushy job.
I have worked for my this company for over 5 years now. They are awesome. Beyond awesome. The leaders there have integrity; they are wise; they are generous; they are smart. I mean, they did hire me, right!?
I started working for them while Brad was in seminary. Financially, this job helped us do more than survive – it helped us breathe … and pay off over $20,000 in student loans and car debt … while paying for seminary in cash. Mind you, we lived in a shabby, run-down house with rent at $625/month and hardly ever went out to eat or did much of anything that cost money. That helped, too.
Financially, this job also helped us make the decision to move to Austin where Brad would join a church as a pastor – without a salary. Because as the years went on, my role became more and more niche, and when we moved, they wanted to keep me working for them from home.
I missed the relationships in the office that I had been building for years, but I’m a homebody, so not having to commute and dress up was great. And when we finally got pregnant, they were great about letting me cut my time down to three days a week. So when Samuel was only 6 weeks old, there I was back to work. Seeing and hearing someone else cuddle and love my infant.
I hated it.
Trust me, no matter how good my nanny is, I couldn’t bear the site of seeing someone else take care of Samuel.
People said it would get easier. It didn’t. It got worse. As he got older and had even more personality and, yes, even willfulness, I wanted to be there even more. To play. To teach. To feed. To nurture. To exemplify. To disciple.
So Brad and I prayed. A ton. We talked about the myriad ways this might play out. You know, later. Obviously, it wasn’t possible now. And it wasn’t.
But God knew how it was possible.
And I think He intends this for growth for me. I realized, as He presented other opportunities, that when I thought about not having this job, I got panicky. My palms would sweat, and I would retreat. I was trusting me – my job – this company – to provide for me daily, rather than trusting God.
I will be taking a slow route out and thus have a couple of months left at work. Then, I will be working half-days on a filming project a few days a week for several months. After that, I’ll be working part-time here and there, but no set schedule or hours. I will be Samuel’s mommy.
It sounds like the greatest job EVER.
So why am I so scared?