Skin and Bones: Beauty, Part 1

I feel it. The pressure to exercise.

You see, when I was pregnant, I ended up with pre-eclampsia. A side “benefit” (lay on the sarcasm here) was that I gained a lot of water weight. In fact, after being put on bed rest, I lost 7 pounds – of fluid. Ew.

Anyway, I was really careful with my pregnancy eating because I wanted Samuel to be healthy, and I wanted to have a natural birth – and all of that baby-pushing work is easier when your muscles are all still working and extra weight isn’t getting in the way! But I didn’t know I was gaining water weight; I thought it was all ice cream and chocolate chip cookies weight, so I was even more careful.

Once Samuel was born, I breastfed…and he was hungry…and soon I was a toothpick. I was about 10 pounds lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight…and everyone noticed. It was embarassing how my clothes hung on me, and everyone commented. Of course, they think I just worked really hard to get back in shape or something, so they were trying to congratulate me. Truth be told, the exhaustion and new baby needs squashed my appetite, and the breastfeeding took all of my calories. It wasn’t healthy for me or Samuel.

I tried to eat, I really did! It’s just that he always needed me!

And then, I realized that a deep, dark – sick – piece of me enjoyed the bones under the skin showing through. I have always been super self-conscious of my more curvy legs, and the ability to wear leggings and tighter pants made me swoon a little.

I’m not proud to admit it – because above all things, “beauty” makes me sick to my stomach.

Stay Tuned – my Beauty story continues on Saturday.