The Candid Kissing Experiment {Results}

I feel like a failure.

Maybe you would guess that I started my experiment strong. I was happy to say I had a good track record of quality kisses with my hubby … for a few days.

And I realized how important kissing is. It breaks tension. It brings laughter. It connects us briefly when we can’t connect in other ways. It reminds us of when we were dating in college (maybe it shouldn’t! :)).

In short, I think intimate kissing with your spouse is like diluted sex. There is a mystery in the connection that I can’t quite put my finger on – barriers go away, and intimacy starts to fill in those cracks.

But it’s oh so hard! I must say, we had a very tough week, both as a church family, and as our own little family unit. Brad wasn’t home as much as usual, and when he was, we were exhausted. We tried, but sometimes, we could only eek out a fainthearted kiss.

However, I’m still going to count the experiment as a success. Not only did we kiss more, our kisses had more meaning behind them. They said We’re a team! I support you! I like you. You are special to me like no one else is.

And I think that’s really the goal – to be more intentional about filling the short moments with our spouses with meaningful moments. Moments that unite us – that help us be a picture of Jesus and the church.

I’m praying for a different sort of week – one in which we can have dinners together, laugh deeply, cozy up often, and – yes – share intimate kisses.

It’s WEDDED WEDNESDAY! Bloggers can link up any marriage post during the week. If you’d like to spread the love, add the button to your post, but please link back to me somehow. Button code:

5 thoughts on “The Candid Kissing Experiment {Results}

  1. Kristen

    Oh, Stephanie, thanks for being so honest! It sounds like my house was very much like yours these past weeks. I tried and was feeling like a failure, too, but not after reading your words. I’ve learned that when my husband is at school until late or away coaching on the weekends, it’s kind of hard to kiss without your husband! πŸ™‚ I’m thankful for him and will show him my love in kisses and all my words and actions.

    1. Stephanie Post author

      Yeah if he’s not there, how can you kiss!?
      And then I was getting mad at Brad because I was failing at my dumb experiment, sheesh!
      I think your hubby will be glad to be showered with your kisses once he’s home. :):)

  2. Mindy

    I am linking up here from the Cloth Diaper Whisperer (I also love to cloth diaper)!

    Thank you for this post and experiment. My husband and I are involved in a couple’s group at our church where young couples meet twice per month for a study. It is amazing how many times I look at the other couples and think to myself, “they have AMAZING marriages. Why is mine so blah?” The answer is very clearly me. I never make time for physical intimacy (even kissing) because I am so darn tired every day from taking care of our two littles (age 2 and 6 months). Not to mention the fact that it is uncomfortable to go there when I don’t feel emotionally connected to my husband. Anyway, the issue is very deeply rooted such that it would take me pages upon pages to really explain it. Regardless, I realize that these are excuses. And as a Christian, I am called to show my husband love, even if I don’t feel like it.
    We are struggling financially…not just struggling…at rock bottom. And I worry about it. And I’ve found myself bringing it up to him all the time right before bed. Instead of using that time to build him up in confidence and love, I disrespect him by constantly bringing up what he takes to be his failure to provide.
    Please pray for me that I can be a better lover, friend and show my husband love instead of worry.

    Thanks for your honesty!


    1. Stephanie Post author

      Welcome Mindy!
      First of all, you’re so brave to recognize what you’re doing is not going to help your marriage, and can in fact damage it. I know how hard it is with little ones!!
      From reading your comment, it seems to me that you already know what you need to change, but let’s break it down:
      1) Don’t bring up your money issues in bed. It’s the worst time – neither of you can do anything about it then. Try to find another time, like right after the kids are in bed, or during a date if you have that luxury (but agree together you will talk about it on the date beforehand), or even early in the morning. Ideally, you would have your money info right in front of you so you can talk about tangible issues and make measurable goals. It’s normal to worry about this – but you DO need to talk about it in a constructive way.
      2) Stop comparing yourself to ANYBODY else. You have NO idea what’s going on behind closed doors. Their marriages may be awesome and they may be horrible. They may have had to go through a lot of horrible to get to awesome, ya know? Comparison is the death of a marriage.
      3) Heal – I’m not sure from your comment, but it’s possible you have sexual shame or sexual abuse in your past. If you do, you can’t run from it. It is there, and offering these issues to the Lord is the only way to healing. If you have sexual shame, particularly, confession to your husband may be in order. When you see that he loves you anyway, it will free you from the burden of sin and guilt you are carrying around. There are also great counseling resources out there, even free ones like Celebrate Recovery, if you need help on this journey.
      4) If the healing thing is not an issue, or once you’ve cross that bridge, you might just need to think about intimacy differently. Like you said, women come at sex emotionally, and then we cross to the physical connection and ultimately a spiritual connection. Men can start sex from a physical connection, then they go to emotional, then spiritual. If you’re having trouble desiring sex with your husband, usually the one thing that works is JUST DO IT. πŸ™‚ You might just have to go at it from a physical point, and then find the emotion in it. The spiritual is a by-product. You might have to approach it this way for a while, like a week or two (but usually less!), until you feel the connection again.
      Again – I know you have littles, so you have to get a little creative. Quickies go a Loooooong way in a marriage if you’ve got nothing else to give. Also, SEXT your husband – yup, you heard me right! Send him a sexy text to prep yourselves for time together. Wear sexy underwear, even if you don’t want to, b/c it will help connect you physically.
      I’d love to hear if any of this helps, Mindy!

Comments are closed.