Your Son is Not Your Husband

I had a great Mother’s Day, and I hope you did too! I was very blessed by my family and husband – just spending time with them is so much better than gifts to me!

Every mother faces a certain temptation at some point – it’s the temptation to replace your marriage with your role as a mother.

For many, your wedding day is a culminating event where you are united to your soulmate and best friend. You vow to stay committed to them. You cry (if you’re like me). You eat, drink, and be merry/married. You celebrate with a honeymoon. Your husband is the most important person in your life.

If you had fantastic pre-marital counseling, like I did (Thanks Holly and Michael!), you learn how you are made to be your husband’s greatest helper and encourager. You learn that God intends marriage to be a picture of how Jesus loves and sacrifices for his beloved church.

You get high on the love, the romance, the fun that is marriage.

Enter children.

I don’t mean that to sound like children take away all of those amazing things in your marriage. Ideally, children add to the love, the romance, the fun that is being a family. In a perfect state, you and your husband become a deeper picture of how God loves and sacrifices for his beloved children. You get – just a little bit more – how gut-wrenchingly wonderful/awful it is to love someone so painfully.

For a mother – moreso than for a father, I think – that ocean-deep love can inch its way into the love you have for your husband. You are overcome with love in a new way. Add to that the exhaustion and busy-ness that children bring, and it’s quite easy to neglect your husband and marriage.

The sex stops, the dates stop, the mooning at each other stops, the cuddling stops, etc. Not all in that order, necessarily. 😉

Instead of the closeness you once felt with your mate, you maybe hold your little one a little longer. You replace your marital-inside jokes with sweet baby giggles.

Hear me correctly – Holding your babies and drinking in their laughter are precious, precious moments to savor and enjoy. The danger is when we replace all of the emotions in our marriage with emotions for our children.

Boy moms listen up! I think this is especially challenging and tempting when you have a son.

As he gets older, the temptation to captivate your son’s attention instead of your husband’s will only increase. Your desire to coddle him and “help” him threatens to creep into the “help” you should be offering to your husband.

From the time Samuel was born, I was praying, Lord, prepare me to let this little man GO when he gets older. Prepare my heart NOW to release him into the world to do your will.

Moms, this is an important part of your mission. You are to, along with your husband, raise boys to become independent men. Men who don’t need their mommies! I know – it’s awful to think that! It makes my heart sink, and my little one is only 15 months old! But that’s our job, moms. To help them leave the home as adults. To rejoice when they do!

If your marriage did not start out as a love affair between best friends, this temptation will be even greater. Hey, your husband doesn’t treat you like a princess, but your son treats you like a queen! Why would you want to let him go!?

Even if your marriage began as the picture-perfect romance – this temptation is close by. Beware of it! Be on guard in prayer. Prioritize your marriage over your children when it makes sense – because when your children leave, you are still to be a picture of Christ and his beloved bride, the Church. That role of your marriage doesn’t go away.

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15 thoughts on “Your Son is Not Your Husband

    1. Stephanie Post author

      LOL – exactly!
      I feel called to speak to women. I don’t think it comes off as well coming from a woman. From time to very rare time I direct a post at the guys! I’m hoping some Godly men will step up to speak to the area of marriage.

  1. Bella

    question, i have a 2M old dd. how do you balance the (always) urgent needs of your newborn with the doting on hubby things I used to do. I know my hubby has felt left out at times because, before baby girl came, he was the center of my universe and my ONLY God given role at the time was wife, well now i am wife and mommy, and it feels like her needs are more urgent and time sensitive than say, getting hubby a cookie lol. how do i balance both? I have spent time in prayer over this but would love the opinion of another mommy! thanks 🙂

    1. Stephanie Post author

      Great question, Bella!
      At 2 months old, I would definitely say to cut yourself some slack! Your marriage is still the bedrock of your family and should be attended to as well, but there are seasons where an infant’s needs are primary.
      That being said, you can still spoil your husband – just don’t beat yourself up if you can’t do it as much or in the same way as you used to.
      For example- that cookie you mentioned- go for break and bake or store bought if you are uses to doing homemade! Or when you take babe to the grocery, pick up his favorite grocery store treat.
      But cookies are a small thing. Let’s talk about the bigger issue – you both need to talk about how your life has changed! My hubby and I had conversations during nursing time bc everything was generally calm then. 😉 Tell hubby that you are feeling inadequate as a wife right now but that he is still your one and only. Ask if he is struggling too and brainstorm ways you can work together to keep your marriage strong.
      It is OK that your marriage will never be the same- it can get even better because you are now working together to raise up God worshipers!
      Last tip: a 5-minute quickie with your hubby goes waaaaay farther than a cookie! 😉

  2. Bella

    🙂 Thanks Stephanie. It is helpful to hear from another Christian Mommy and Wife that it IS okay for some things to change. Your post and your response have encouraged me, I guess me and hubby just need to talk about what we are feeling. Thank you so much! You will probably hear back from me! 🙂

  3. Mark

    Please pray that my family can stay together. I feel bad to even be looking this up on the interent. I love my son, he is a great young man. I could not have asked for one better. In saying this, I loved my wife first and for most, but I fear she has replaced me with our son. I can not get her to talk about it, or go and talk with others about it. We go no where unless our son wants to go, watches no movies unless it is one that our son wants to. She only cooks when he is at home, and then only what he wants. I beleive she is depress and only see’s herself thur our son. He dates no one, goes no where unless it is he and my wife. I have been thinking about getting a girl friend hoping that maybe that would force her to talk about it. She has been banking major money while we are losing our home and it is hard for me not to think she has planed a new life with just her and my son. It kills me to think what this is doing to my son. I know as a son I wanted to make my mother happy and now looking back I see that her being ubhappy was not because of my father or me, but because she was just an unhappy person. The day will come when I will be gone, and my son will end up trying to keep his mother happy when that hapiness could have come from me. What do I do?

    1. Stephanie Post author

      Hi Mark! I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. Here’s what I recommend you do:
      1) Pray. Pray for your wife, that she would see the truth; that she has cast off you as her partner and taken on your son. Pray for yourself, that you would see the truch; that you would not use this situation as an excuse to sin against your family and God, but that you would instead show love to your wife MORE and challenge your son to action MORE than ever before. This is what Jesus has done for us: in the midst of our rejection of Him, he gave everything to reunite us. Pray for your son; that he would reject the passivity that you and your wife have enabled in him and be his own man, choosing what God wants over his comfort.
      2) Reject the idea that “getting a girl friend” will do anything to your marriage but further harm it. At best, you’re providing your wife more ammunition with which to reject you. At worst, your using her behavior as an excuse to sin – this is nothing close to what a man of God does.
      3) Seek mediation counseling. Tell your wife why. Admit to how you’ve failed as the Godly leader. Don’t focus on her issues; focus on your issues when you talk to her. If she is not willing to get counseling with you, tell her you will get it for yourself. As a precursor, you can seek mediation through your local church. Again, focus on what YOU have done to contribute to this problem. You have to own up to your own mistakes and set the pace for your wife.
      I have prayed for you. Please LMK how you fare.

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