Does Being a Pastor’s Wife Ever Get Easier?

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about being a pastor’s wife. But I don’t want to disregard those pastor’s wives who read this blog and are looking for help and hope!

Do you ever wonder if being a pastor’s wife gets easier? You hope it does, right? But is that hope a desperation, like If it never gets better I want out. Or is that hope a confident expectation, like God chose my husband to be a pastor, and He will provide for our situation.

I truly pray that it’s the latter for you when you’re struggling. Thankfully, as much as I’ve struggled with being a pastor’s wife at times, God always made it clear to me that my husband is called to ministry, and I feel a strong conviction to be 100% his encourager in that. Yup, even when my heart is at its worst, God blesses me with His will.

I have only been a pastor’s wife for close to 4 years now – unless you count 4 years of full time seminary (which perhaps you should because that was the most difficult time in our marriage!) – and I’m not the wife of a senior pastor. I’m know beyond a shadow of a doubt there are things a senior pastor’s wife deals with that I know nothing about.

But if I had to answer this question, I would shout YES! It does get easier!

And sometimes it’s still harder, but in the big fat general sense – easier! I don’t have time in this post to address those temporary hard times; I will save that for another time.

If I had to boil it down, I think being a pastor’s wife gets easier most often due to these reasons:

Time

Time gives me the opportunity to look at the big picture. Instead of focusing on nitty gritty grievances, I can see how the entire role (and journey) of being a pastor’s wife is a blessing, a learning experience, and a unique way God chose to train me up.

Relationships

When you’re a pastor’s wife, unless you are at the beginning of a church, you usually walk into a fully formed church, complete with fully formed relationships and fully formed ideas of what pastor’s wives are like. One might say it takes a lot of confidence to walk into a place like that and be able to integrate easily. It does take confidence – confidence in the Lord’s power to build you up with His people. Confidence in the unity He desires you to have with others. Confidence in who He made you to be and acceptance of the fact that you will not be everyone’s best friend.

As a pastor’s wife, I don’t have the luxury of building deep relationships capriciously. I actually have to be mindful of the accountability partners I choose. But once the Lord has provided believers who know you well and help build you up in Him, being a pastor’s wife becomes much easier. You have someone else you can rely on for prayer and strength! It’s a burdern lifter.

Building relationships with the lost is also crucial. Keeping God’s mission at the forefront of your life takes the focus off of yourself and puts it back on Jesus. You don’t have to “be the pastor’s wife” with the lost. You are you. Seeing the fruit of these relationships makes you want to keep going!

Spiritual Maturity

As a believer, it’s essential that you remain connected to God. As a pastor’s wife, I’m not sure how I could make it without His strength. As He matures me through His word and other believers, living out his calling in my life is just plain easier.

So, pastor’s wife, what else has encouraged you in God’s calling?

11 thoughts on “Does Being a Pastor’s Wife Ever Get Easier?

  1. Kathy Sykes

    Being a pastor’s wife is a continual journey of strengthening YOUR relationship with God, YOUR relationship with your hubby, and YOUR relationship with yourself. I have found that if you don’t really know who YOU are in relation to GOD (and not just in relation to your husband), you can get lost in the TITLE. It becomes easier when you don’t take the ROLE as a job but as your duty as a child of GOD despite being a pastor’s wife. The sacrifice that comes along with it is tough and I that does not get easier. But it is important that we PRAY that God leads us (wives) in the direction that He wants us to move in. Continue to encourage and support your husbands, but don’t forget that YOU are called (as all Christians) to do what it is God has for YOU to do. If that makes sense…LOL!!

  2. Brenda

    I have been a pastor’s wife for 23 years. When we were first married a mentor of mine told me she doesn’t see herself as a pastor’s wife, but as woman who just happens to be married to a pastor. This bothered me at first, but I understand it now. I am called to be Brian’s wife, that will never change no matter what his calling in life is. If he quit tomorrow and became a plumber I would still be called to support him. So I try and look at my calling that way. I tend not to think of myself as a pastor’s wife. When I do get caught up in the title I tend to find myself trying to things in the church simply because I think its expected of me…and that’s not for the right reasons.

  3. Vivian

    I have been married to a pastor for 20years! I can appreciate the experiences good and bad and have found wisdom thru the process! I really appreciate Kathy and Brenda’ s comments and agree with both! I can only add that my calling hasn’t changed but the “who” and the “how” has changed! I believe it is important for me to encourage those wives who are afraid to make public comments, those who are dealing with family/church issues and cannot trust anyone in their church, and those who have experienced being “let go” or “fired” by the church! I appreciate your willingness to share your journey with all of us!,

  4. Ruth in NZ

    Sometimes I wonder if the expectations a church has on us as “Pastor’s Wives” actually has a great deal to do with how honest we are about our own walk with the Lord and struggles. I came to the church my husband ministers in as a mother with 3 kiddies, all highly active and one with Down Syndrome, pregnant with our 4th child and had no chance of portraying an image of someone who had it all together. I am a perfectionist and have struggled with the wrong “operational belief” that God only got the glory if I was “coping”. God is slowly teaching me that He gets the glory when I am honest about how much grace I need from Him – and how abundantly He gives it to me. I have ministered more to others when they realise that I am not a “pastor’s wife” (with all the expectations that go with that) but rather a fellow woman who has learned that God gives so much grace to those who depend on Him. And I find that others minister to me too, ‘cos I need it. 🙂
    I know this isn’t the whole picture. Sometimes the expectations are just there, no matter what we do. But I have been so blessed at the way God gives us grace for those times too.
    Sorry about the book! Bless you in your support of your husband and in making yourself available as an instrument of our Lord, wherever He uses you.

    1. Stephanie Post author

      Thanks for adding this Ruth! I think being candid and real is one of the most valuable things you can do as a believer!

      1. Sherry

        Thank you for this! I am a 3-times divorce mother at the age of 52 (seriously peri-menopausal), dealing w/ a full-time engineering position, raising 2 teen boys (one with autism that is being homeschooled by me) and a woman who has been a “survivor” of sexual abuse through the early and teen years, I am finding increasingly difficult to be the bread-winner and a pastor’s wife! I am so ready to quit! I NEED hope!

        1. Stephanie Post author

          Glad it could help Sherry! It helps to prioritize your relationship with the Lord! Hang in there.

      2. Sherry

        Thank you for this! I am a 3-times divorce mother at the age of 52 (seriously peri-menopausal), dealing w/ a full-time engineering position, raising 2 teen boys (one with autism that is being homeschooled by me) and a woman who has been a “survivor” of sexual abuse through the early and teen years, I am finding increasingly difficult to be the bread-winner and a pastor’s wife! I am so ready to quit! I NEED hope!

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