Wow. I truly thought I would be able to blog before this point. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahhahahaha.
That’s how it feels with two kids, I’ve found out.
I love my precious Emma. And I adore my Samuel. Put them together, and some days are great. Some days… are impossible.
Let’s add on to the 1+1 = chaos a massive hormone change at 7 weeks postpartum, and what do you get? Baby blues? Postpartum depression?
Call it whatever you want. It’s nasty.
It includes bouts of crying, vivid nightmares, ginormous mood swings, anger, and sometimes the inability to put one foot in front of the other. It’s overwhelming.
How can my kids thrill me and fill me with happy thoughts one minute and make me feel so utterly destructive the next?
And unlike other times in my life when I’ve experienced depression, this time I actually did pray through it and remember God’s word. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit just the week before helped me reflect on 1 Peter 1.
In verses 3-5, Peter lays out the blessings of our salvation: great mercy, living hope, an eternal inheritence, guarding by our faith – all of this through God’s power and via the resurrection of Jesus.
And he starts verse 6 with “In this you rejoice.”
In THIS. God’s mercy. The living hope we have in our eternal position. The certainty that our eternity is guarded and secure. The language in verses 3-5 make me realize that we are going to be shocked by what eternity holds.
So I kept telling myself, In THIS you rejoice. Knowing what THIS is.
My kids (or lack thereof) are not the source of my joy.
My husband (or lack thereof) is not the source of my joy.
Funnily enough, today, on a current hormonal upswing after a very rough week, I read the rest of verse 6. (In THIS you rejoice hit me so hard that I had stopped there to soak it in.) Look…
…In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:6-7, ESV, emphasis mine all mine)
This period for me (maybe it’s over but more likely it will fluctuate back), has been deemed necessary by the Father so that my faith may bring more glory to Him.
In the deepest moments, I clung to Him after I sinned against my children in anger. I focused my thoughts on the true joy that I have by His power rather than despairing in my present circumstances. My husband and I fell further in love as I shared with him what I was feeling, and he embraced me and is helping me dig out of it in prayer.
Glory to God? Glory has already been brought to Him by this. I feel like my faith is stronger than it has been in a long time.
Do you think that the glory that will be brought to Him through this is going to end? I don’t think so. Because all of our lives and trials are also part of our ministry to others, and each time our faith grows, and we become more enamored with Jesus, we have more of that to share with the hurting, the broken, and the lost.