I feel like God is asking me this right now, “Where are you?” – reminiscent of the garden. But Adam and Eve were hiding in shame of their sin, and I’m just plain hiding.
I long to connect with God, but I’m hesitant. I’m not sure why – maybe it’s because I want to put the brakes on any more sanctification in my life, and I want to live for my flesh. Maybe.
More directly, I think it’s that I feel like what I have to offer won’t be good enough.
I don’t have enough time.
I haven’t had enough sleep.
I will be interrupted.
If I do make the effort to have time with God, then the children will wake up, and I’ll have to feed someone or stop the washing machine from overflowing or catch the falling sippy cup with no lid on it.
If I plan in advance and set my alarm early, then both children will definitely wake up at night, and I will just keep setting the time forward so that I can get some rest.
If I sit down to talk with God, I will just want to read a novel instead or make up for the lack of eating I do all day or check something anything on my phone.
But this season of caring for my littles (which I truly love – and God has been helping me embrace and enjoy – even without a shower or makeup or clean clothes/teeth/what-have-you) – it isn’t going away.
And I can’t just wait it out. This is my life. It’s not the line at the checkout counter.
God purposed me to have this time, and he didn’t intend for me to leave Him out of it because I’m too tired/lazy/hungry/greedy/busy. He knew I would need Him more not less.
And no, I’m not going to be able to get up 35 minutes early to have a quiet time with the Lord and my Bible and prayer (is that really even enough? an hour sounds heavenly!).
I have to pray throughout the day with my children.
I have to embrace the spilling sippy cup and use it to teach my children about Jesus.
I have to ask for God’s help when I discipline my son. The help to know how to give mercy and grace and punishment and love – all impossibly at the same time.
I have to ask to receive God’s nurturing for myself while I’m nurturing others.
Every little moment – the ones that I want to discard and hurry along and push through – those are the growing moments.
Those are the moments I better get out of my hiding place and run towards Him.