I Struggle with God’s Love – “Word” focus 2015

For the last few years,  I’ve chosen to focus on a word.  For a year.

And not just any word.  Not just a positive-vibe word,  but a word that God is challenging me with. 

For 2014, the word was contentment.  Ha. Haha. Hahahahahhahahha. … This is what I say after experiencing one of the most challenging years of my life. 

Every moment of suffering this year,  which included adoption loss,  depression,  cancer,  family struggles,  friends in pain …. this word came back to me.

Honestly,  sometimes I felt mocked.  But,  it served its purpose: to make me realize I do rely on life quality for joy and to reject that so that I can only rely on Jesus.  Truly,  He is the only reliable One. 

Now,  we are in 2015. I’m going with a phrase this year, “He loves me.” This was a big realization for me this year: that my head knowledge of God’s love doesn’t hit my heart.

I just can’t believe,  after all He’s done and taught me,  that He loves.  I can’t trust it.  I can’t rest in it. My weak flesh won’t let me.  It wants to feel the pain it loves.  It wants to linger in depression.  It wants to feel hurt because for a long time,  that’s what was there and it’s  comfortable. It’s understood.

I’m ready for truth instead of this lie.

One of the best summations of this idea that I’ve read is this…

“I’m loved by the only eyes in the universe that count.”  Timothy Keller, Galatians for You

If you struggle with this love,  will you commit to cling to truth with me instead?