Category Archives: Being a PW

When Being a Pastor’s Wife is Hard: Trials

There are times when being a pastor’s wife seems unbearable. Something has happened, whether you’re aware of it or not, and all  of a sudden, you feel like your family, ministry, career, etc. are all crumbling down. And you want to crumble with it.

I’m not going to point fingers in this post because I know that congregations and pastors/pastors’ families alike can bring pain into ministry. We are all sinners, and we will all seek pleasure over God at some point.


{Read this entire post over at Clutch Talk here!}

When Being a Pastor’s Wife is Hard: Expectations

When my husband first told me he was being called into full-time ministry, we had not been married even a year. Since I didn’t grow up with a Christian lifestyle, I thought, Oh no! What am I going to do!? I’m not made to be a pastor’s wife! That’s not me! But as a friend told me last year: If you’re husband is called to be a pastor, you are also called – to be a pastor’s wife.

I’m guest-posting this month at ClutchTalk. See this full post here.

Call for Questions of Excellent Wives!

Happy Wedded Wednesday to you, friends!

I bet we all know some “excellent wives”, don’t we? Wouldn’t you love to pick their brains? To dissect their marriages and ministry and find out – How do they do it!?

Well – I have some exciting news! I know some truly excellent wives – and I conned asked if they would be willing to be “interviewed” for an Excellent Wives series at The Candid Pastor’s Wife. Guess what? They all agreed! Haha, suckers. No seriously – I’m so excited about this – because when I look at these women, I think – I want to follow them as they follow Christ.

For that is really what being an excellent wife is all about – devotion and worship of the God of the universe.

What’s funny is – once I started thinking about the women I asked, I realized they were all ministry wives! I didn’t do that on purpose, but it just kind of ended up that way. They are also all women who are not newlyweds – because as much as I love newlyweds – I want to hear from women who have already been through the darkest and the most glorious parts of their marriages.

Don’t you?

I, of course, already have several questions I want them to answer, but I’d love to throw it out to you to chime in, too. What are the questions you have for excellent wives? They can be anything – from how do you tangibly encourage your husband to how do you keep the passion burning in the bedroom.

Come on ladies – don’t be shy!

Post your questions in the comments below or on the Facebook page. I’ll try to include all of them in my interviews.

Preach the Gospel…to Yourself

Yesterday, I guest-posted at ClutchTalk – a blog specifically for Pastor’s Wives!

As a pastor’s wife, the message I often speak to myself is “Do more.” You know: go earlier, stay later, give more, disciple more, sign up more, offer more.

I have to remind myself that this is a false gospel. This is not the message of God, nor is it what ministry is all about. But it’s so tempting to listen to this idol of mine! Because when it comes down to it – doing something is easy and ministry is hard, and I want to believe that I’m following God’s will and being sanctified more each day. Simply doing something convinces me that I’m on the correct path.

Read the rest of the post here.

Thank You

I have been blessed lately. Particularly by our church body.

We have been going through a difficult time with our childcare situation. Ever since I switched from working from my home office to filming and recording in a studio part-time, things have been going downhill.

Unfortunately, I was ignoring the signs.

I feel awful now looking back, but it took a big mistake on our nanny’s part for me to see how bad it had gotten. A couple of Friday’s ago, when I got home, she was rushing out of the front door to get his car seat from her car, looking guilty.

Samuel was asleep. I paid her, and she left.

I wondered where they went, but I figured they went to the park or storytime or something and didn’t ask. (Hello, mommy! You always have a right to ask where your son has been!)

After Samuel woke up, I changed his diaper and was horrified at how utterly soaked he was. There is no way he had been changed in the previous several hours. My heart sank.

We went to have a snack, and his bib and dishes from his morning snack and lunch were all missing. In her car, I’m assuming. This means they were gone for at least 3 hours, and I’m assuming by the 2 clean diapers that were in the car seat she brought in that he wasn’t changed the entire time before his nap.

I was furious. So furious I wanted to call and ask her what kind of person doesn’t change a child’s diaper!? Especially someone who has plenty of experience to know better.

I didn’t call. Because I knew I would speak in anger.

She had already told us she was going to be leaving, but that she would keep watching Sam until we found someone. Apparently, she had mentally checked out of her job.

I felt sick as I looked back at other small things that had been leading to this moment. Her attitude and disrespect towards me. Her never ever telling me that Samuel and her had a fun day or that he’s such a precious guy. She always said, “He did OK.” I thought, Wow, he must really not do well with other people. Since then, he’s been watched by several others who tell me how fun he is and what a joy. The little man I know.

My heart breaks to think that for many months he was with someone who didn’t want to care for him. It’s SO hard being a working mom, and this just makes it seem unbearable.

After that Friday, I called every single person and lead I knew to find someone who could love him. Someone I could trust. I prayed. I stayed up at night thinking about it. I treasured him and apologized.

While I was looking, some near and dear friends and some members of our church body whom I don’t even know very well helped me out by caring for Samuel. For free. For love. To bless me.

And I can’t thank them enough for restoring the part of my mama soul that was so diminished. The little thank you notes I write just do not do justice to what they offered me.

There are other ways our body has been blessing us this week, and I’m just blown away by how our church loves us in so many ways. I know many who pray for us every single day. How do they offer that sacrifice!?

I don’t know. But I say Thank You. Thank. You.

Give Your Family Your Time!

 Sometimes a pastor’s wife’s life can be busy. You know, Sunday morning single parent, community group on Tuesdays, Brad gone to church business meetings (i.e., membership, interest meetings, planning meetings, etc.), and mornings and evenings alone while Brad is coaching lay leaders.

It’s not every day or anything, and some weeks are busier than others. But after awhile, it can get a little old. And my perception can magnify the time apart.

Well, let me tell you – my husband blessed me the other day! It was one of those weeks where every single night was marked off for something, and family was coming in for the weekend. For once, and by the grace of God, I was handling the week’s outlook pretty well.

On Thursday morning, Brad told me I “might” be getting a package that day. A package? That wasn’t really like Brad. He’s a words-of-affirmation kind of guy, not a gift-giving guy. He asked what our plans were to be sure Samuel and I would be home.

I sort of forgot about it until he called me at about 9:30.

“Did you get your package?”

“No.”

“Hmm.”

“Should I check outside?”

“Sure!”

“Nope, it’s not here! I’ll call you when I get it.”

Ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I tried to look out the window, but didn’t see anything. So I opened the door.

Brad was my package!

I think my grin was about as big as my head! Time with hubby and daddy! In the middle of the workday! During a very busy week! Wahoo!

We had 2 hours of family time – time we wouldn’t have had otherwise that week.

We did normal family things – went to the park, played outside, had a snack. What we did wasn’t the point.

We had time together, and that’s all I wanted.

It was a special blessing – the best package I could have gotten!

Guys, sometimes that’s all we want – just you. Home with us. I know we can’t all just leave work (and don’t worry, Brad works well over 40 hours every week, so he’s not slackin’) in the middle of the day. But anything you can do – do it! We will respect how you’ve made a sacrifice just to be with us.

Stop, Drop, and Pray!

Did I mention I’m terrible about praying?

Nevertheless, I have been feeling the need to pray more and more and more lately. Thankfully, the Spirit is prompting me to connect with Him because the enemy is close.

But prayer in my marriage? WEAK!! I know it’s lame, but sometimes I get a little case of ministry overload and get turned off at the spiritual when I’m at home. It’s lazy. And I’m sure it leaves me vulnerable to temptation. The temptation to grumble and complain. The temptation to break my husband down in my mind. The temptation to stop being a team and start being comfy roommates.

Since our God is amazing at drawing people closer and closer to Himself, He revealed this flaw in our marriage to both of us. Brad came home for lunch yesterday(a rare treat!), and he said he felt the urge to pray together, which we haven’t done lately. I told him that I keep feeling the need to just stop, drop, and pray, but that I felt awkward because I’m so immature. :-\ He reminded me that he would never feel awkward if I just busted out in prayer. Here’s what the Lord was telling him through Scripture:

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:5-7, NIV)

What are you busting out in prayer about lately? How can I pray for you?

And thanks, babe, for leading the way in our lunch prayer. I really do feel so less anxious, more in love with God, and more in love with you.
It’s WEDDED WEDNESDAY! Bloggers can link up any marriage post during the week. If you’d like to spread the love, add the button to your post, but please link back to me somehow. Button code:


The Candid Kissing Experiment {Results}

I feel like a failure.

Maybe you would guess that I started my experiment strong. I was happy to say I had a good track record of quality kisses with my hubby … for a few days.

And I realized how important kissing is. It breaks tension. It brings laughter. It connects us briefly when we can’t connect in other ways. It reminds us of when we were dating in college (maybe it shouldn’t! :)).

In short, I think intimate kissing with your spouse is like diluted sex. There is a mystery in the connection that I can’t quite put my finger on – barriers go away, and intimacy starts to fill in those cracks.

But it’s oh so hard! I must say, we had a very tough week, both as a church family, and as our own little family unit. Brad wasn’t home as much as usual, and when he was, we were exhausted. We tried, but sometimes, we could only eek out a fainthearted kiss.

However, I’m still going to count the experiment as a success. Not only did we kiss more, our kisses had more meaning behind them. They said We’re a team! I support you! I like you. You are special to me like no one else is.

And I think that’s really the goal – to be more intentional about filling the short moments with our spouses with meaningful moments. Moments that unite us – that help us be a picture of Jesus and the church.

I’m praying for a different sort of week – one in which we can have dinners together, laugh deeply, cozy up often, and – yes – share intimate kisses.

It’s WEDDED WEDNESDAY! Bloggers can link up any marriage post during the week. If you’d like to spread the love, add the button to your post, but please link back to me somehow. Button code:


The Gospel Will Triumph

Our church is dong something right.

I know because we have been bombarded with attacks. There have been so many health issues and personal crises that I can’t keep up. And those are the ones I know about personally.

These issues are taking *a little* attention away from what the leaders of our church are up to: A series on How People Change, and an intensive for all of our members on how to be a missionary in your own zip code. I think Satan is licking his chops waiting for a fall, waiting for a failure, hoping to mock God.

Maybe you already read between the lines to hear that Brad is slightly busy. In fact, I’m not sure the last time I didn’t get asked to pray about a difficult meeting he would be having.

And in the midst of all of this spiritual warfare, here I am: ill (with I’m not sure what), having the busiest work-week of the year, and struggling with a 13-month old who is cutting molars and yelling about 50% of the time. While my patience is still strong, so is my weakness. And I’m reminded:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 2:9-10, NIV)

Back to Wedded Wednesday. You see, I am not a very good support to my husband right now. I’m zapped; he’s zapped. How do I encourage him during this time when I am so discouraged myself? How do I show him that he’s the rock star of our home when he’s not here very much right now? How can I practice my kissing experiment!? 😉

The question is: How do I let the gospel triumph right now?

It’s not going to be by doing more cleaning, cooking, or even kissing. It’s going to be by doing more praying.

And when I’m overwhelmed with the big stuff going on, and all I can do is lie down, I will seek God and let the Holy Spirit speak for me.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. (Romans 8:26, NIV)

Lord, it’s true I don’t know how to pray right now. The list is too long; the urgencies are too close. Forgive me for pitying myself in the midst of these trials. I trust you – that you are using the sufferings in our body for the perseverance of our faith. That you are taking care of my marriage and my family when I can’t take care of it like I think I should.

It’s WEDDED WEDNESDAY! Bloggers can link up any marriage post during the week. If you’d like to spread the love, add the button to your post, but please link back to me somehow. Button code:


Confidentiality is Queen

People assume that because I’m a pastor’s wife, I know everything my pastor hubby, Brad, knows.

Not true.

When we started this journey of being a pastor and pastor’s wife, I told him, “Do not tell me other people’s junk.” …and I gave him the look. You know, the one that means- I’m serious.

Confidentiality is a huge deal to me. Probably because I have been burned by loose tongues. Not in a detrimental, scandalous way that sent me running from church (which does happen to people). No, for me, it’s more subtle. I find out that someone told their husband something that I shared with them. Because, you know, they’re married and they had that whole “till death do we share secrets” part of the vows.

I may have shared that because I wanted you to bear my burden with me, not because I wanted Church Member #3 or your niece to bear it, too.

Don’t hear me wrong here. I’m not saying you should have personal secrets from your husband, like a secret ‘what-if’ wad of cash, unconfessed sin, or harbored hurt feelings. I’m talking about someone else’s secrets.

But not just secrets. In fact, I think anytime you open your mouth to talk about someone else, you should seriously consider whether that is something they would want you to be sharing.

“Oh, but she would want you to know! She’d tell you herself!” is not a valid excuse to share someone’s details. “She told me to share this with you” is.

And that’s what we do. If someone has explicitly told Brad to share something with me, whether it’s a prayer request, a testimony, or something they are struggling with, he does. Otherwise, he does not share that information with me. If the person wanted me to know, they would tell me.

However, so many people believe that I am in the 100% know about anything church related (including members), that someone will start saying something like, “You know how we’re doing that thing on the 8th?” Or, “You know how so-and-so was evicted?” Um… no. And no.

Ladies, let’s face it – the latter example above will happen. Someone intentionally or unintentionally will start to open their mouth and spill it. And the sinful, spiteful part of my gut is ready to devour the scandals. If I hear that a conversation is going that direction, I put a halt to it preemptively.

Will you commit to doing this with me – in love?

If you hear it coming, why not say, “OK, before you finish, do you mind if I ask you not to share something personal about someone else? I just don’t want to know something that I really shouldn’t.” (Or how about, “I’m a juicy gossiper and won’t be able to stand it if you squeal!” Ha.)

Understand, that when I’ve done this (in a trying-to-be-gentle-about-it-way), I have had people backpedal. “Oh no! I was just going to say that…” Or “But she’s so sweet” (Because being sweet makes you forgivable apparently.)

Just have grace for them and for yourself. Stop being self-righteous and instead accept the Spirit’s reminder that you are daily confining your own tongue. And only in His power.

A perverse person spreads dissension, and a gossip  separates the closest friends. (Proverbs 16:28, NETBible)

Likewise also their wives must be dignified, not slanderous, temperate, faithful in every respect. (1 Timothy 3:11, NETBible, qualifications of a deacon)