Category Archives: Marriage

Why am I Angry at My Husband?

Why am I Angry at my Husband

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kelvynskee/ (changes mine)

I have good intentions. Really, I do – and I bet you do too!

While my husband is at work, I think of ways to bless him. I might send him a cute text or a snap. A dinner he will love is on the plan. I’m thinking of what stresses he might be dealing with today.

My thoughts wander to when he will be coming home and how I will look him right in the eyes and give him a great big kiss.

“How was your day at work?” I will ask, and he will expound while I actually pause and listen.

Then we will enjoy the kids’ laughter while we get the food on the table and sit down for our favorite parts of the day.

Except it’s not the evening yet. It’s 3:30pm, which is the new witching hour now that we have one kiddo in school full time, a threenager, and a 5-month old.

The eldest child is an angel at school, so he puts all that aside when he gets home and lets all the chaos loose. The threenager is now having attention split 3 ways, and that baby must be held again once it’s time to chop the onions.

The frustration of not having things my way – not being in control – is starting to fizz a little inside, much like a cold Diet Coke. One child disrespects while the other has a physical crisis (read: bathroom issue or pain issue). I’m trying to be consistent in my discipline to nip the disrespect in the bud, but everything is blowing up in my face.

My control freak crashes the party and throws a mentos in and BOOM.

I’m angry.

Just flat out angry at the lack of control.

The butterflies and flowers in my thought bubble pop, and in comes a storm cloud aimed right at… my husband.

I’m not sure when he entered into this mess, but he sure is the target now.

“How can he do this to me?”

“He has no idea what I’m dealing with right now!”

“He’s only home for the fun stuff.”

“Why does he choose today to be late?”

These rapid-fire thoughts are only a sample – I have quite a few more for him.

You see, the reason I’m angry at my husband is:

I’m choosing to be.

Much like you’re the ugliest to your mama (bless her soul!), you decide he’s to blame.

I want him to rescue me because of my need for security, and he’s not there, so I decide he’s incapable. I’m on my own. Again.

Thus, it’s his fault.

Do you see how the lies play into this?

I’m choosing to believe he’s at fault. I’m choosing to be angry at him. I can’t be angry at the kids – that’s what a bad mom would do, and I’m not a bad mom. I can’t be angry at myself – this is obviously not my fault.

I make a choice.

Lately, I’ve been working on making a choice for truth. When that unfound (or maybe misplaced timing?) anger rises up against my husband, I’m combatting the lies with truth.

“My husband has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.”

“My husband is for me and would absolutely help me if he were here.”

“My husband is with me in that he’s on my side, and we’ve made plans for how to handle difficult situations with the kids.”

“He’s at work, which is exactly what he’s supposed to be doing right now.”

“I’m choosing to be angry at him.” <– This one right here is the one that usually throws the water on the fire. Once I realize I have made the choice to be angry at him, I can usually be free of that malice. I still have to deal with the present situation, but my daggers are now back in their sheaths, ready to fight the real battles we face.

Do you agree with me? Have you found freedom from these lies? If so, how?

Year of Fun Pledge – Free Printable!

Since the previous 2 years were rough, we’ve declared 2016 the year of fun! I decided to make a list of vows for the year. Some of these were really hard to write. Some of them might not make sense to everyone, but I still think we should all have something like this on our radar.

I’ve made a free printable of these vows, too! However, they are simplified so that they could work for most couples. 😀

year of fun pledge

 

All you have to do to get the free printable is sign up for my email list here.

And now, my own personal vows for fun!

1. I vow to laugh, especially at myself, with every opportunity.

2. I vow to say “Yes!” to spontaneous plans, rather than be my boring, comfortable, No-saying self.

3. I vow to teach our children that life can be enjoyable, regardless of our circumstances.

4. I vow to not get frustrated when I do something poorly, casting off perfectionism.

5. I vow to have more sex…because covenantal marriage is fun.

6. I vow to nurture our friendship by holding hands, looking into your eyes, and letting you in on my elusive thoughts.

7. I vow to pull as many pranks as I can think of. Be ready.

8. I vow to quit convincing myself you’re judging me for my performance and just be who I am.

9. I vow to let the wind mess up my hair.

10. I vow to kiss you every day until we fall off a mountain together.

That last one may seem strange – it’s an inside joke and totally appropriate for us. Don’t worry – the printable doesn’t include that part. 😉

The Worst Years

My Worst Years

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jesusabizanda/ (changes mine)

The two years before this one have been the pits. The absolute worst. They haven’t been the worst years of my marriage – those were the seminary years – but they’ve been filled with suffering, pain, depression, and doubt.

The pattern of pain started with postpartum depression after having my second child. It lasted for several months, and while I am fulfilled as a mom, it just left me feeling empty and alone.

Then, on our road to adopting a beautiful 4-year old from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, we found out his birth mom was alive and had taken him home. A mixed blessing filled a hurting heart.

For some reason, my marriage wasn’t so hot by this point. It didn’t worry me, but we needed help. After a marriage counseling intensive, we were able to heal tremendously and move forward.

Then, my mom found out she had breast cancer, and she went through a year of hell to be free of cancer.

It was in the middle of her treatment that I found it I was pregnant with Katherine. Oh boy, did this surprise make me cry out to the Lord in doubt and fear.

He didn’t mind that I yelled at him inside. He patiently listened while I ticked off the reasons I could not have another baby. He assured me that He was giving me a gift, a gift I was afraid to accept.

He intended all of this for His own glory. My story is His story, the story of Him always, always drawing me closer to Himself.

I don’t have a conclusion here, or a poignant point. It’s all been said in His holy word, after all. I’m just laying this out there because it is. It was. It may be again soon. But He doesn’t change. He’s there, holding me close. An unmoving rock of grace and mercy.

The App I’m using to Flirt with My Husband

snapchat candidpw

Follow me – candidpw

I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m on snapchat, the app that confounds me.

The ghost truly haunts me, saying You don’t understand me. You’re getting ooooooooold. These kids updating their life in snaps? They’re going to change your bedpan sooooooooooooon!

Eek. I’m scared.

However. I have found it be a great flirting tool for my marriage – go figure!

Why? Well, I guess because it’s fun, and that’s what we’re focusing on in our 13th year of marriage. We’ve had plenty of tired years, years to suffer, years of conflict, painful years, boring years. It’s time for some fun ladies and gents!

So if I want to send a pic of me throwing up a rainbow to my husband to make him smile, I guess a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

If I need to snap a video singing a random song with the wrong lyrics, that’s what is going to happen.

Show him what I’m truly dealing with in the moment, especially if it’s poop, so we can laugh at it later – yes ma’am.

Mostly I just send random videos of myself to him, and it’s helping me feel more connected during the day.

Have you tried this in your marriage? I want to know if you like it! And what’s your handle, so I can follow you and see what the youngins are up to?

Save More on Date Night (and everything else)

This post is sponsored by Groupon Coupons. As always, all opinions are my own. 

We have a date night coming up Friday! Woooooooooooooo!

Sorry, I’m a *bit* excited. We’ve had some dates since our baby was born, but this will be the first where we will LEAVE.HER.AT.THE.HOUSE.

Excuse me while I shed a tear for babies growing up!

As the chief spender (and saver) in our house, Groupon, one of my favorite sites to check for local deals, just became a favorite site for all deals with the launch of Groupon Coupons.

datenightGrouponCoupons

Let me help you plan your date night for Friday. I have a small baby at home, so going to the movies is out of the question. I mean, who wants to leave halfway through a movie because baby bombed the date night? Hence, all I want to do is go see a movie. Well Groupon Coupons currently has $3 off Fandango purchases! You’re welcome.

Haven’t finished your taxes yet? How about 40% off at H&R Block (P.s. taxes are due in 2 days.)

And you still haven’t picked up a DVD of I Am Gabriel (a film I have a supporting role in!)?

I Am Gabriel

Since it’s sold in Family Christian stores, you walk right up, open your Groupon app, swipe to Coupons, and search for the store. All available coupons will be presented to you!

There are actually over 60,000 sales and coupons current in the app, so I think you’ll find something you can save money on. Since you probably already have the Groupon app on your phone, you really don’t need to do anything else but check that app for some money-saving deals!

Oh, I guess you could also follow them on Facebook and Twitter so you don’t have to check the app every day.

Date night and money saving all in one post. I feel accomplished now. 😉

Make Eye Contact with Your Husband (and Kids)

Make eye contact with your husband and kids

How much steady eye contact do you make with your husband – or even your kids?

I don’t think I make much at all, and I’ve been trying to improve so I can boost my oxytocin – you know, the wonderful hormone that helps us attach to our babies? Well, it is the same hormone that floods our system when we feel bonded with anyone.

Apparently, oxytocin makes us look into each other’s eyes more. The latest research hasn’t really attempted the reverse: Does looking into someone’s eyes increase your oxytocin or bond with them?

Regardless, we’re already bonded to our husband and children, so I’d bet my bottom dollar research would say that eye contact with our family members boosts our bonds with them.

Because betting your bottom dollar is super scientific.

So. All that to say, I’m taking the time to not break eye contact constantly.

Like when my husband comes home, and I’m cooking dinner? Yeah, that. I’m only glancing his way. Could I take even a solid minute to look him in the eyes and listen? Or even look while I’m talking?

Trust me, from a lover of all things delicious food, our marriages are worth way more than perfectly cooked dinner.

I shared some words of affirmation with him last night, and I had to talk myself up to looking him right in the eye and holding that gaze while I said it. Whew – why is that so hard!? Our connection was solidified.

The lover (bridegroom) in song of solomon tells his bride,

Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me. (Song of Solomon 6:5, NIV)

With my kids, I’ve been giving them more undivided eye attention, too. Having three kids means a very split attention span. They all want mommy for something, so when it’s their turn for my attention, I need to give it undivided.

That third baby that I’m worried will just have to hang along with everything? Eye contact.

That middle child who plays so well by herself because she has to? Eye contact.

That firstborn who loves one-on-one time because he started out mano a mano? Eye contact.

I’m turning my eyes back into my ears and my mouth, using them to listen and to speak.

April Fools Pranks for Your Husband and Kids

April Fools Pranks for Husband and Kids

This year has been declared the year of fun in our house, so I decided to gang up on my family with some April Fool’s Day pranks.

Watch the videos to see what fun we’re going to have!


I thought he might have figured out what was up, so I upped my game with this:

And then sweet Em and I got ready for Samuel:

I haven’t thought of a great one for my 3-year old daughter yet. Do you have any ideas?

Worn Down in Marriage?

This psalm really reminds me of marriage. You might laugh out loud when you start to read it, but if you’re in that low place of marriage, I think this psalm could be a great comfort to you. I especially focus on 13-14:

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27, ESV

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.

Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

Wisdom or Death?

17843828_801f400365

Just as Wisdom is personified as a woman, so is another path – a path that leads to death: the path of the adulteress.

And I have to ask myself:

Am I a woman who personifies Wisdom or Death?

Am I the adulterous woman? A path of death?

Read Proverbs 7 to get the whole picture.

Let’s look at her characteristics:

She’s a smooth talker.

See verses 7, 11, 14-20, and 21.

She knows exactly how to seduce by making a man silent. She’s “loud” – and she efficiently and breathlessly talks the youth into her web of lies.

She provides him all of the safety and excuses he needs to be with her, feeding on his passivity and lust.

She makes him feel like a stud – knowing exactly the words a man needs to hear – words our husbands should hear from us. “I’ve been waiting all day… I’ve prepared for this moment… I’m so glad you’re here… I want you to take me… you’re the real man in my life… we’re safe…”

Questions: Do you talk all day with colleagues or even your bestie but are silent or degrading to your husband? If you’re single, are you using speech as a way to dominate men – perhaps at work or in relationships?

She’s premeditated.

See verses 12, 14-17.

The adulteress has prepared for this moment. She didn’t get caught up in something confusing. She put herself out there. She made it clear that she wants the youth, and that she’s free to be taken.

Questions: Are you sending flirty texts with a “friend”? Do you pass by the lunch room at the same time every day because a friend who gives you butterflies will be there? Do you go to his house just to “drop something by”? If you’re married, these are sure signs that you are caught in infidelity of the heart. As a single, ask yourself if the way you seem available is godly or ungodly.

She’s immodest – physically and verbally.

See verses 10, 11, 13, 17-20.

This lady is quite aware of how she dresses: like a hooker, probably with braided hair and plenty of adornment. Rouge and perfume have been used. The finest garments she can find are on her couch.

Not only that, but her speech leaves nothing to the imagination. She has no restraint, but pulls out all the stops to trap this man in his tracks. She mocks her religion (v. 14), she’s publicly prowling for men (v. 12), and she says, “Let’s have sex all night since my husband is gone” (vv. 19-20, my paraphrase).

Questions: What are you doing physically and verbally that are without restraint? How much of that is to gain ungodly attention?

She’s unhappy at home.

See verses 10, 11, and 19-20.

I see an unwillingness in her to be at home and to be happy at home. She’s “wily” and “wayward”. She can’t even be in her house because it reminds her of her true calling. She is grateful and eager because her husband isn’t there – so she can act like she’s not even married.

Questions: Do you escape your home because you’re escaping your marriage? Or, if you’re single, because you’re so desperate that you’re willing to sacrifice your integrity?

The caveats.

Yeah, this wisdom is written to “sons” against the adulteress. And this man, even though he’s written as a witless fool, he’s no dummy. He’s taking the “road to her house” on purpose. He wants her to seduce him. He wants her to give him no excuses. He’s just as guilty in this; maybe more so since he is called to lead.

And, there are guys that play the adulteress (obviously adulterer, but you get my point) too. Charming, smooth, always dressed nicely. Always seems to be right where you’re heading. Don’t be a fool and walk on the road to his house, ladies. His house is a house of death (v. 27).

It pains me to think about the times I’ve played the adulteress. It’s shameful and empty. I hate it and praise God for the years of redemption he’s given my marriage! My sin is covered by the blood of the only worthy Lamb, Jesus.

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17, ESV)

Photo source

Does God Owe Me?

Does God Owe Me

Have you ever thought God owes me ?

1 Peter 1:14-16 has been hitting me and those near me so hard that I feel like I could write about it for a few weeks! I’m thankful that the Spirit is pushing this so hard in my life and pray that I will continue to be open to God’s will.

Anywho.

Some of you out there are very righteous people. Not self-righteous, but righteous. Your heart truly seeks God; God’s word plus His Spirit lead you to a righteous life.

You don’t ask for much. You ask on behalf of others: help them get that job, heal them by your power, bring them to a saving knowledge of Your son. For yourself, you don’t pray for wordly things: you pray to grow deeper, gain wisdom, want what God wants.

So when that one little thing comes along that you’re really passionate about or that one big thing is taken away, it’s tempting to think, What!? God owes me! I’ve lived a righteous life. I always seek Him! Why me!?

But this is not Biblical. The Bible doesn’t say, Be righteous, and then God owes you. Live a sacrificial life, and God will make sure you get that one thing you want.

Sounds kinda nice, huh?

We don’t live a righteous life and then get served by God.

Holy God served us first and calls us to a life of holiness.

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct,  since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile,  knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. (1 Peter 1:14-21, ESV)

I’m learning this with my children. Just because I try to live my life for God and to serve His people, it doesn’t mean that my kids will know Jesus. It doesn’t mean that my children will choose to love people. I certainly can’t just coast. My flesh wants to abdicate their care on someone else, and yet God knew all that about me and still put His very own Son in my judgment place.

And I want – I long – to be like Him.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4, ESV)

Lord, align my heart with yours so that I want what you want. Thank you for showing me that I owe you my very life, but you’ve given me grace so that I do not live out of fear or guilt. But in freedom, I hold out my children, my marriage, my failures, and my flesh. Take them and refine them.

Photo Source