Tag Archives: anger

My Husband is Obsessed with Caulk and Tires

My husband is addicted to caulk and tires. And I love it….let me explain.

Anytime a free couple of hours comes around at our house, I hear phrases such as, “The car needs new tires because blablabla.” <–I lack interpretation skills here.

Or, “I need to go to Lowe’s to get caulk for the repair on the trim.”

Umm… what is trim? Why does something that looks exactly as it should need repair? What is this caulk that you speak of!?

When that “caulk” thingie and “trim” thingie involves me planning out something pretty, like built-ins for our living room, I all of a sudden can speak in home repair lingo like the best of them. Pretty + function = happy. Functional gluey paste that costs money and time but doesn’t give me a visual boost = why do we need this?

Am I alone??

My Husband is Obsessed with Caulk

Photo Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/navfac/

There are times when I even get extreme in my questioning of my husband’s affinity for caulk. Sometimes, I get angry, thinking he just wants something to do to avoid us.

Then, I was reading in Ecclesiastes…

If a man is lazy, the rafters sag;

if his hands are idle, the house leaks. (Ecc. 10:18, NIV)

My thoughts went straight to my husband’s attention to caulk lines and cracks in our walls. I thought, Well, he sure is not lazy, and our house does not leak, praise God!

if a man is lazy the rafters sag

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/andrewbain/

But this passage is about so much more than that. Ecclesiastes has many proverbs-like passages, which makes sense considering the writer is one and the same. But in this book, they are mostly in larger contexts communicating broader messages… which means they’re quite confusing to me, and I have to pull out the Walvoord and Zuck commentary (affiliate link)… plus a dictionary to figure out what their big words mean ha.

After all of that, I see that verses 16-19 contrast the difference between a state run by a wise king and a state run by a foolish king, wisdom being a synonym for righteousness and folly being a synonym for unrighteousness in this case.

We see that the wise king is self-controlled (v. 17) and by contrast with the foolish king, the wise king takes care of his kingdom and does not believe bribery or shortcuts will gain anything positive.

Kingdom with a good king

Source: CreationSwap

Considering that the whole book aims to teach that being fully connected to God is the most enjoyable act of life, the righteous king would also “remember his creator in his youth” (12:1).

My husband could be spending his time doing any number of things – he’s still young! We’ve spent half of our life together now, so I won’t say how young, but he’s young enough that he could commit to sports hobbies 10 hours/week or dude nights twice a week or fun weekends away every month. But he doesn’t. He spends his time taking care of the family God has blessed him with, like a wise and righteous king managing his state.

This passage also reminds me of our Great King – King Jesus. We have no fear that he will ever let the rafters sag or the roof leak. He never took a shortcut to His mission on the road to the cross. He bravely and with self-control took on the full burden of our consequence, taking no bribe nor succumbing to temptation. Wielding the supernatural caulk and tires that only the God-man can.

Why am I Angry at My Husband?

Why am I Angry at my Husband

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kelvynskee/ (changes mine)

I have good intentions. Really, I do – and I bet you do too!

While my husband is at work, I think of ways to bless him. I might send him a cute text or a snap. A dinner he will love is on the plan. I’m thinking of what stresses he might be dealing with today.

My thoughts wander to when he will be coming home and how I will look him right in the eyes and give him a great big kiss.

“How was your day at work?” I will ask, and he will expound while I actually pause and listen.

Then we will enjoy the kids’ laughter while we get the food on the table and sit down for our favorite parts of the day.

Except it’s not the evening yet. It’s 3:30pm, which is the new witching hour now that we have one kiddo in school full time, a threenager, and a 5-month old.

The eldest child is an angel at school, so he puts all that aside when he gets home and lets all the chaos loose. The threenager is now having attention split 3 ways, and that baby must be held again once it’s time to chop the onions.

The frustration of not having things my way – not being in control – is starting to fizz a little inside, much like a cold Diet Coke. One child disrespects while the other has a physical crisis (read: bathroom issue or pain issue). I’m trying to be consistent in my discipline to nip the disrespect in the bud, but everything is blowing up in my face.

My control freak crashes the party and throws a mentos in and BOOM.

I’m angry.

Just flat out angry at the lack of control.

The butterflies and flowers in my thought bubble pop, and in comes a storm cloud aimed right at… my husband.

I’m not sure when he entered into this mess, but he sure is the target now.

“How can he do this to me?”

“He has no idea what I’m dealing with right now!”

“He’s only home for the fun stuff.”

“Why does he choose today to be late?”

These rapid-fire thoughts are only a sample – I have quite a few more for him.

You see, the reason I’m angry at my husband is:

I’m choosing to be.

Much like you’re the ugliest to your mama (bless her soul!), you decide he’s to blame.

I want him to rescue me because of my need for security, and he’s not there, so I decide he’s incapable. I’m on my own. Again.

Thus, it’s his fault.

Do you see how the lies play into this?

I’m choosing to believe he’s at fault. I’m choosing to be angry at him. I can’t be angry at the kids – that’s what a bad mom would do, and I’m not a bad mom. I can’t be angry at myself – this is obviously not my fault.

I make a choice.

Lately, I’ve been working on making a choice for truth. When that unfound (or maybe misplaced timing?) anger rises up against my husband, I’m combatting the lies with truth.

“My husband has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.”

“My husband is for me and would absolutely help me if he were here.”

“My husband is with me in that he’s on my side, and we’ve made plans for how to handle difficult situations with the kids.”

“He’s at work, which is exactly what he’s supposed to be doing right now.”

“I’m choosing to be angry at him.” <– This one right here is the one that usually throws the water on the fire. Once I realize I have made the choice to be angry at him, I can usually be free of that malice. I still have to deal with the present situation, but my daggers are now back in their sheaths, ready to fight the real battles we face.

Do you agree with me? Have you found freedom from these lies? If so, how?

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anger (including a suggestion for Pastor’s Wives)

When Brad and I were newlyweds, we made sure that we never let the sun go down on our anger.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26, NIV)

We took this as literally as possible. If we were not at peace with each other, we thought we had to stay up all night until we had resolved every scrap of our fight.

Right now I’m having a good belly laugh thinking about it. Then? Not so funny.

So in bed we would sit, with the bedside table lit. One of us (usually me) just wanted to sleep already. The other one was trying to figure out the quickest way to put a nice, tidy bow on our argument.

We were even less loving and respectful because we knew we had to stay up until we had really made up with each other, and we were taking it out on the other person!

It took us awhile to realize that if we got a little bit of sleep, we would wake up with a fresh perspective and have much more love and forgiveness and compromise to offer. Go figure. 😉

Nowadays, we usually fight in the evening because that’s the only time we can have a real conversation! Usually, we are all resolved and in love again when we go to sleep. But there are times where we have to come to a stopping point. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to bed in a huff – hence the verse above. Both of you end up mad, miffed, confused, and not in a good place when you wake up.

But if we can’t resolve something, sometimes we just recognize that. “I hear that you feel hurt by this and want XYZ. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around XYZ instead of ABC. Can we think and talk about it some more (tomorrow/at lunch/whenever you can)?”

The verse says don’t sin in your anger. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Not “Don’t let the sun go down on your conflict.”

I heard a really awesome suggestion for this especially for pastor’s wives. A PW in our city said that early in their marriage and ministry, she would always seem to have a conflict with her husband near the weekend (i.e., before Sunday morning when he would have to preach and be focused on shepherding). When she realized they were always fighting on the weekend, she thought Oooo I bet that enemy just loves me getting all riled up and seeing us in conflict while my husband is trying to teach the Word of God.

And she made a resolution. She decided that if she felt hurt or upset by something near the weekend, instead of bringing it up and kicking off an argument, she would just wait until after church on Sunday to talk about it.

She was happily surprised when Sunday rolled around and she could hardly remember what little thing she was so upset about. So if you’re a PW, consider this! I have been trying this out myself, and I think (hope) it’s made a lot of difference in my husband’s Sundays.

Nice Mommy Strikes Back!

Sigh. I have learned this lesson before. Being a mean mommy doesn’t get you anywhere with your kids. But sometimes I don’t learn very well.

And let’s face it; it just feels good to raise your voice and yell and huffily point and say “Arg!” and stamp your feet. Hmmm… I think I just described a 3-year old, but I’m talking about me!

It feels good in the moment because it’s of the flesh. All of that nastiness in my heart just flies out of my every pore.

And if you let it come out once, it just creates a tidal wave of mean momminess. Those little tiny cracks that you think aren’t a big deal? All of a sudden they break open completely and mean mommy takes the lead.

Well I sure don’t want her to win! Thank you, God, for giving us the Holy Spirit to remind me when I’m being a mean mommy to ask for forgiveness from my kids, to accept grace, and to take on the fruits of the spirit when raising my children.

And for the power – because  you know what – nice mommy better have a full-fledged arsenal to beat down that nasty lady.

My tool belt is loaded with:

– truth. Having God’s word at hand goes a long way at conquering that mean spirit.

– grace. For myself and for my kids. Giving “mercy” when punishment is deserved. After the “I’m sorry”s, big hugs and love and fun times being had.

– a beat. I need to take a pause before deciding on that punishment. What is really deserved? Am I giving punishment because I’m angry or because it is what’s needed? Is this offense better handled with a conversation?

– a quiet voice. Instead of yelling, “Go to time out RIGHT NOOOOOOOWWWWWW!” let’s try “Go to time out.” in my regular ol’ voice. It accomplishes much more, let me tell ya.

– Mommy time out. When I feel angry and out of control, I go sit in my room for a minute and pray, “God Help me with these children. Give me wisdom. Show me what to do and how.”

Lord, help us who are mommies to view our role as the outpouring of your goodness that it is. When we’re weary, give us the strength to love and to draw from you for our words and actions. I pray our children see you in us. I know we can’t reflect that, so let us instead always reflect the gospel.

What tools do you use to beat down that mean mommy?

How Postpartum Depression is Filling Me with Joy

Wow. I truly thought I would be able to blog before this point. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahhahahaha.

That’s how it feels with two kids, I’ve found out.

I love my precious Emma. And I adore my Samuel. Put them together, and some days are great. Some days… are impossible.

Let’s add on to the 1+1 = chaos a massive hormone change at 7 weeks postpartum, and what do you get? Baby blues? Postpartum depression?

Call it whatever you want. It’s nasty.

It includes bouts of crying, vivid nightmares, ginormous mood swings, anger, and sometimes the inability to put one foot in front of the other. It’s overwhelming.

How can my kids thrill me and fill me with happy thoughts one minute and make me feel so utterly destructive the next?

And unlike other times in my life when I’ve experienced depression, this time I actually did pray through it and remember God’s word. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit just the week before helped me reflect on 1 Peter 1.

In verses 3-5, Peter lays out the blessings of our salvation: great mercy, living hope, an eternal inheritence, guarding by our faith – all of this through God’s power and via the resurrection of Jesus.

And he starts verse 6 with “In this you rejoice.

In THIS. God’s mercy. The living hope we have in our eternal position. The certainty that our eternity is guarded and secure. The language in verses 3-5 make me realize that we are going to be shocked by what eternity holds.

So I kept telling myself, In THIS you rejoice. Knowing what THIS is.

My kids (or lack thereof) are not the source of my joy.

My husband (or lack thereof) is not the source of my joy.

Funnily enough, today, on a current hormonal upswing after a very rough week, I read the rest of verse 6. (In THIS you rejoice hit me so hard that I had stopped there to soak it in.) Look…

…In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:6-7, ESV, emphasis mine all mine)

This period for me (maybe it’s over but more likely it will fluctuate back), has been deemed necessary by the Father so that my faith may bring more glory to Him. 

In the deepest moments, I clung to Him after I sinned against my children in anger. I focused my thoughts on the true joy that I have by His power rather than despairing in my present circumstances. My husband and I fell further in love as I shared with him what I was feeling, and he embraced me and is helping me dig out of it in prayer.

Glory to God? Glory has already been brought to Him by this. I feel like my faith is stronger than it has been in a long time.

Do you think that the glory that will be brought to Him through this is going to end? I don’t think so. Because all of our lives and trials are also part of our ministry to others, and each time our faith grows, and we become more enamored with Jesus, we have more of that to share with the hurting, the broken, and the lost.

How to Stop Being a Mean Mommy

I noticed something strange about myself recently: When we are in public, I am much more harsh with my son, Samuel.

When it’s just the two of us, I seem to talk more gently, give more explanation, offer another chance, or take into account the fact that he’s tired or hungry or two years old.

But when we’re at someone else’s house or we’re at the grocery store or even if my mom or in-laws are at our house, Samuel gets a mommy who is much more likely to be angry and frustrated. A mommy who is going to discipline with swiftness or roll her eyes or make huffy noises.

Why is this?

It has nothing to do with Samuel.

It’s because of me. My insecurities as a mom.

I have bought the lie that my worth as a mom is directly related to how well my children behave.

Repeat with me: It’s a lie.

I have worth as a person because God bestows value on me! {Hallelujah!}

And yet I become psycho mom when my 2-year old decides he should see what happens when he hits a friend or screams or throws his toys on the floor – again.

Aren’t you thankful our Father in heaven doesn’t treat us like this? When we’re in public, trying to throw our toys around, smack-down on our friends, or let our boisterousness take over like a gong, He doesn’t look at us in frustration. He doesn’t need our behavior to be perfect for Him to be holy – he is holiness 100%. However, it’s interesting that how we act does have an affect on the world – we who claim Jesus as our Savior – the more Christ-like we are, the more we have an audience to share the gospel of Jesus with the world:

…so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life” (Philippians 2:15-16a, NIV)

So when I am losing my cool with Samuel, I can turn to my Father. I can:

  • Ask God for strength and patience – relying on Him to provide when I am weak.
  • Pray for my son more often. That he would come to know Jesus at a young age.
  • Give myself a timeout: Pause for a minute before disciplining, and ask myself if my harshness is really merited and sinless.
  • Model God’s grace to Samuel more. I can discipline in love, but I can also offer forgiveness that isn’t deserved.

And in all of this, I need to pray for myself:

  • That I would stop trying to gain the approval of others.
  • That I would let God’s grace act in my life more, instead of trying to “do it all”.
  • That I could be more like God, and that that would point others, including my children, to Him

Do you struggle with this temptation? How has the Spirit equipped you to fight it?

Daily Deals in Your City