Tag Archives: lies

Why am I Angry at My Husband?

Why am I Angry at my Husband

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kelvynskee/ (changes mine)

I have good intentions. Really, I do – and I bet you do too!

While my husband is at work, I think of ways to bless him. I might send him a cute text or a snap. A dinner he will love is on the plan. I’m thinking of what stresses he might be dealing with today.

My thoughts wander to when he will be coming home and how I will look him right in the eyes and give him a great big kiss.

“How was your day at work?” I will ask, and he will expound while I actually pause and listen.

Then we will enjoy the kids’ laughter while we get the food on the table and sit down for our favorite parts of the day.

Except it’s not the evening yet. It’s 3:30pm, which is the new witching hour now that we have one kiddo in school full time, a threenager, and a 5-month old.

The eldest child is an angel at school, so he puts all that aside when he gets home and lets all the chaos loose. The threenager is now having attention split 3 ways, and that baby must be held again once it’s time to chop the onions.

The frustration of not having things my way – not being in control – is starting to fizz a little inside, much like a cold Diet Coke. One child disrespects while the other has a physical crisis (read: bathroom issue or pain issue). I’m trying to be consistent in my discipline to nip the disrespect in the bud, but everything is blowing up in my face.

My control freak crashes the party and throws a mentos in and BOOM.

I’m angry.

Just flat out angry at the lack of control.

The butterflies and flowers in my thought bubble pop, and in comes a storm cloud aimed right at… my husband.

I’m not sure when he entered into this mess, but he sure is the target now.

“How can he do this to me?”

“He has no idea what I’m dealing with right now!”

“He’s only home for the fun stuff.”

“Why does he choose today to be late?”

These rapid-fire thoughts are only a sample – I have quite a few more for him.

You see, the reason I’m angry at my husband is:

I’m choosing to be.

Much like you’re the ugliest to your mama (bless her soul!), you decide he’s to blame.

I want him to rescue me because of my need for security, and he’s not there, so I decide he’s incapable. I’m on my own. Again.

Thus, it’s his fault.

Do you see how the lies play into this?

I’m choosing to believe he’s at fault. I’m choosing to be angry at him. I can’t be angry at the kids – that’s what a bad mom would do, and I’m not a bad mom. I can’t be angry at myself – this is obviously not my fault.

I make a choice.

Lately, I’ve been working on making a choice for truth. When that unfound (or maybe misplaced timing?) anger rises up against my husband, I’m combatting the lies with truth.

“My husband has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.”

“My husband is for me and would absolutely help me if he were here.”

“My husband is with me in that he’s on my side, and we’ve made plans for how to handle difficult situations with the kids.”

“He’s at work, which is exactly what he’s supposed to be doing right now.”

“I’m choosing to be angry at him.” <– This one right here is the one that usually throws the water on the fire. Once I realize I have made the choice to be angry at him, I can usually be free of that malice. I still have to deal with the present situation, but my daggers are now back in their sheaths, ready to fight the real battles we face.

Do you agree with me? Have you found freedom from these lies? If so, how?

Do NOT Follow Your Heart

“Follow your heart.”

“Trust your feelings.”

“If you feel it, then it must be true.”

What do you think about the truth of these statements? I mean, these are sentiments we are taught growing up. These are things we feel are true (there’s a little fallacy there for you logic buffs).

God gave us our feelings, our emotions, our heart. They’re not bad, are they?

I was a little blown away by something I read this morning in 1 John – one of the great “love” books in the Bible.

In 1 John, John is telling us that the world will know us by our love. The way we love each other and the lost is our greatest witness to the world.

But in chapter 3, he tells us how we can know we are saved. How we can be assured our lives have been changed by the gospel. The answer is still love… but it’s interesting that there even has to be a question.

And here’s the real killer. In verse 19, he says

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; (1 John 3:19, ESV)

“Reassure our heart”….Y’all…

OUR HEARTS LIE TO US!

Eve’s gut lied to her in the garden when she trusted the serpent. Once we are saved, our heart continues to doubt our salvation. You’re really not a believer. Look at you! 

But when we see our love, our fruit, we reassure our hearts with the evidence of our faith.

Does it surprise you that we have to do this? I know that my heart is a liar, and yet this truth blew me away.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV)

He goes on in chapter 3:

for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God;  (vv. 20-21)

Our Father sees us through His son, Christ. He knows our heart through that filter. And when we fight down the lie about our heart, we are confident to do the work that God has called us to. Otherwise, our heart is so busy tearing us down that we are incapacitated!

Don’t let the lies win!

Action item: If you’re having trouble believing this truth, get with another believer and identify the lies you’re believing that are not Biblical. Memorize scripture that fight those lies, and pray for each other.

 

My Who-I-Am

I was standing with my arms folded, not feeling very connected to the worship that was going on around me. Although I had had a good week and even a good and full weekend, I was feeling bitter. You see, it was a preaching week for my pastor husband.

Preaching weeks are always tough for me. Brad is the spiritual formation pastor at our church, which means he has a nice, full schedule most weeks. When he is on the schedule to preach, none of his other duties  or responsibilities go away. Plus, he takes preaching God’s word with a very real dose of the sacredness of his calling. He wants to spend the right amount of time letting the Word affect him and making sure he’s not communicating anything that isn’t truth.

He gets up early and  also spends extracurricular time working on his sermon. He also tries to do his usual thing with us – spending time hanging out on his half day and Saturday, helping with the evening routines, etc. And he makes it all happen, but mentally, he’s in that place. It’s a place that says:

  • this is a huge responsibility
  • people’s thinking about God is at stake
  • you are not good enough to communicate this

That last one is a lie, and he knows it. He knows that the Holy Spirit will do His work. But he struggles with letting this weigh him down mentally. And when I can tell he’s not connected with us in mind, I get even more selfish than usual and start to pout. Because he isn’t paying attention to us like I want him to.

So there I was, pouting during worship, and I sang the words, “Everyone was made for You [Jesus]”.

And it hit me. My identity is not in my husband. It is in Jesus. And what that means is that my need for attention should be a need for attention from the Father – which equates to time with Him. How much time have I spent with Him lately? Not enough.

And then later, Brad (who by the way, is an excellent preacher), preached on this very idea – that our identity is in Christ:

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:4-7, NIV, emphasis mine)

for all things in heaven and on earth were created by him – all things, whether visible or invisible, whether thrones or dominions, whether principalities or powers – all things were created through him and for him. (Colossians 1:16, NETBible, emphasis mine)

See how we are identified with Christ’s burial and resurrection? That’s where my WHO-I-AM comes from. Not Brad. And as much as I love him, I’m glad for this truth.

What can be better than having the God to whom I was an “object of wrath” choose to beckon me to Himself so that my sin can be crucified with Christ, and my life can be a resurrected picture of his grace?

Beauty, You Only Need One Hero

Deep inside a woman’s core is a longing to be rescued. And this is not a panderingly sick, masochistic longing. It doesn’t mean that women are incapable, weak, or subservient. It means that we want our man to be a MAN.

We want him to want us. And we want him to go out of his way risk everything to care for us. Again, not because we can’t take care of ourselves – but because it’s our design. If you haven’t read Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldredge yet, it offers an inside look at why men are how they are. I highly recommend it to all women who are married or want to be married.

We can take care of ourselves (usually in a very unfulfilling way), and so, often, we just pull up our bootstraps and trudge along, pushing away our man’s efforts.

I am constantly guilty of this. I’m in the kitchen, trying to hoist my lovely but heavy KitchenAid to the counter. In the background, I hear Brad say, “Here, I’ll get that.” But, you see, Brad – you didn’t read my mind and discern that I needed the KitchenAid, and I’m now halfway to the counter, so I can get it myself, thankyouverymuch.

Or we’re getting out of the car to go somewhere, and I grab the 10 bags I need plus Samuel. All the while, he’s trying to take something – and some thingS from me (he would gladly take it all! He’s macho!) But do I let him? No.

But it can get oh so much more dangerous than this. Usurping my husband’s rescuing powers is quite harmful to a marriage, but it has another, scary, consequence: it makes me vulnerable to accept another man’s resuce.

The ungratefulness, the martyr-ing – it makes me believe the lies that say my husband doesn’t care; that he’s not strong; that he’s lazy; that he doesn’t love me.

Then, when another man, simply being kind or gentlemanly, steps in to offer a simple assistance – say a door held-open, an offer to take groceries to your car as your 1-year old wails bloody murder, a hand with something heavy or difficult – my mind jumps the shark. At first, I’m thinking – “Wow. That was surely nice of him. Nice guy.” Two minutes later, I’m wondering, “Does he like me? He knows I’m married, right?”

Yes, it’s stupid. Sometimes I’m like that.

And it scares me.

But if I let my husband be my hero; I won’t have need for another.

Here’s my challenge to you this week: The next few times your husband tries to rescue you this week, LET HIM. If you’re like me, and you have a weak head for lies, I’d love to hear if this helped you. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting, you can always email me at thecandidpastorswife (at) gmail (dot) com.

It’s WEDDED WEDNESDAY! Bloggers can link up any marriage post during the week. If you’d like to spread the love, add the button to your post, but please link back to me somehow. Button code:

Quit Your Whining

We have the sickies.

The stomach virus that might take over the earth. This thing has infected everyone we have been in the same room with. It’s bad news.

Samuel’s bout of the virus was actually the least severe, thank God. But me? Saturday, I was laid out and could not keep one morsel of food in my stomach. I was thankful that God planned a day for us where Brad didn’t have some pastoral commitment, because he was able to take care of Samuel the whole day (except for the breastfeeding of course).

In spite of the terrible showing by my Texas Rangers, I was able to keep about ten peanuts down Saturday night. Sunday morning, I was extremely weak, thirsty, and hungry.

And Brad reminded me he was on setup that morning and had to be at church early. Ugh. OK… no problem, I’ll make it. And he was home to help get ready for our Halloween block party before I knew it.

The block party went great, but by the end I was worn out and so glad a night of sleep was coming…let’s just say it didn’t come as planned. As soon as we walked in the house, Brad announced that he was pretty sure he had gotten the death virus.

I was up with Samuel a couple of times in the middle of the night and was still not fully recuperated when I had to get up with him on Monday morning. My back and neck were aching, and I was exhausted. But I knew Brad was ill and that I would need to manage the best way I could.

God gave me spurts of energy through the morning, and Brad even had a couple of bursts himself. But I found myself ignoring him and complaining in my head.

Sigh. The one time I’m sick and could actually use the rest more than usual, Brad is sick too, and so who gets to take all of the slack up? Me. Of course. I’m the only option. The buck stops here.

I pushed the thoughts down as I took Samuel outside to play. While we were out there, I might have let him put a leaf in his mouth that he started choking on. So I turn him over and slam his back while he throws up on my feet. No problem. Baby is OK. I take him in to change his clothes and realize that his diaper had leaked while he was in his crib. Now I have to change the sheets. And you know how difficult changing crib sheets are. It’s like putting a celebrity-award-show-gown on a killer whale.

Brad came in to take Samuel for a bit while I changed the sheets, and I found my mind going back to that place of lies. And immediately, relief came, and my mind redirected.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing (NETBible, Philippians 2:14)

Wow. This has not been me…for quite a while.

And it’s not just about being long suffering because it makes you better than someone else. Rather, this should be an overflow of the awe evoked by our Savior and His work on our behalf. Paul reminds us of this in verses 5-11. And verse 13 says that God is “bringing forth in you both the desire and the effort.”

Praise God that I don’t have to believe the lies that say I deserve help or should be lauded. On the contrary, I deserve nothing, and my Savior has still taken my punishment on Himself so that I can spend eternity with Him.

Holy God – You’re amazing! I am nothing! You’re everything I want! I pray that I can reject the lies of this world – only for Your truth.

P.S. Check back Thursday for the Purpose Series, Question 2

Anonymous Prayers

Being a pastor’s wife gives me a unique vantage point. So often, I allow the lies to creep in that say being a pastor’s wife is a burden rather than a blessing. Just view this previous post to see the evidence.

But not this past Sunday. At church, I was talking to a couple during our “question of the day” meet-and-greet time. Someone flanked me with a big hug, and said, “Hi!” I looked over and saw the hugger was a recent acquaintance – I have briefly taught her daughters in children’s ministry, and I sat next to her during a women’s minstry lecture for about 15 minutes until I had to get my separation anxiety-ridden son and get the heck out of there. So I was a little surprised that she was hugging me so tightly, but I also liked it because I truly love people! I really didn’t think anything of it beyond that.

After the service, we were both picking up kiddos from children’s ministry, and she stopped me. Kind of unsure, or maybe a little embarassed, she said, “I just want you to know that I’ve been praying for you. And I’m not really even sure why!” WOW. There it is, folks. Being a pastor’s wife just doesn’t get any better than this. People just pray for you – for seemingly no good reason! It totally rocks the PW house in my book. Now what this gal didn’t know is I NEED HER PRAYERS! Yes, we all need prayers, and I hope you all have people loving on you in this way (if not, let me know – I’ll pray for you!). But, pastors and pastor’s wives and families especially need prayer. With our lives being devoted to ministry, our enemy would heartily destroy us in an instant. What’s more, I can tell when people are praying for me. There are moments that I can sense the raising of a burden, and I know God’s power is at work and that his people are petitioning on my behalf. I thank you for these “anonymous prayers”.

My desire is that every one of you would be in this battle, too. That you would be daily walking closely with the Lord, and that your words and your actions would be making the name of Christ glorious in this place. And that means you need prayer for this, too.

God, give us all the courage to fight against our real enemy. Make us devoted to You and Your glory. Thank you for your followers who are so selflessly seeking you. Give them endurance to keep their eyes fixed on the author and perfector of our faith, Jesus.

Today’s Trouble

I have been dying to try these delicious-looking homemade cinnamon rolls. The hubby and I are digging in our heels and really trying to stick to the grocery budget this month. With $47 left for the next 12 days, I thought making these would be a nice, ingredient-on-hand treat for our Saturday morning. I warmed up the cup of milk and threw in the yeast. When I reached into the fridge and saw that I didn’t have enough eggs, blood flushed to my cheeks, and I started to feel sick. Why, you ask? Wouldn’t it be easy to run to the grocery and pick up a $.99 carton of eggs? It would be, but I chose not to. Among the various reasons was the fact that free-range eggs are more like $3.50, but I also have this sick addiction to beating myself up. I calmly stirred the yeast into the milk, knowing I was about to pour 1 cup of paid-for milk down the drain. The lies in my mind began: Idiot! Why didn’t you check the ingredients better? You should have prepped these last night anyway. If only we (or THE HUSBAND) made more money, I would just toss this and try again another time – without a care in the world! How are we going to make it on a ridiculous $47!?

I poured the milk into the sink and left my husband and son playing in the livingroom. I quietly, like the good martyr I am, took a shower and got dressed. While I was in the shower, I was reminded of the lilies of the field and the birds of the air. I prayed that God would remind me of his promise to care for us, and that I, for once, would actually trust him. Once I had a chance to read these verses again, I saw a connection I never noticed before. In verse 25, Jesus tells us

Isn’t there more to life than food and more to the body than clothing? (NETBible)

Like a good Christian, I thought, Of course, we should want to glorify God in all we do, but Jesus spells it out for us plainly. The “more to life” is in verse 33:

(32) your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (33) But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (NETBible)

Newsflash to Stephanie: God knows what you need! And He WILL provide them for you! Not only that, though. Here’s the biggie: If I am spending my time worrying about even the basics of my life, I am missing out on the pursuit of his kingdom and his righteousness – which is what I REALLY need.

For the unconverted pursue these things (NETBible, verse 32)

My Provider, as I sit here making this temporal grocery list and clipping little coupons, You know exactly what I need and how you will provide it. Help me to not get caught up worrying about these insignificant things, or, again, feeling sorry for myself. Instead, show me what it means to really pursue your kingdom and your righteousness. Lead me by Your Spirit.