Tag Archives: sex

Two Verses that will Change Your View of Your Husband

I don’t often think about how my husband views me; in fact, I’m confident in his love for me.

Maybe so confident that I neglect him. So confident that I don’t think about the temptations that surround him. Confident enough to shut my eyes and ears to how he serves me.
Change How You View Your Husband

I was literally startled when I read these verses in the Bible.

Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the young women.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my beloved among the young men. (Song of Solomon 2:2-3, NIV)

Am I like a lily among thorns to my husband?

That was the immediate question. And I knew the answer: I might be more like a thorn among thorns. 

Am I more like a thorn?

My husband is already in a patch of thorns!

  • the world’s troubles (John 16:33)
  • the curse of difficult work (Genesis 3:17)
  • bearing others’ burdens (Galatians 6:2)
  • his own sin nature (Romans 3:23)
  • among others!

When he sees me, does he see a lily? Am I:

  • a rare treat?
  • refreshing his eyes and soul?
  • soft and gentle?
  • lovely?

I long to be as a lily to my husband

To be perfectly honest, this verse is comparing Solomon’s bride to other women. My husband, like many, is surrounded by other women all the time! While I completely trust him, I want to be the woman that stands out from the crowd. 

What if I am more like a thorn among lilies?

Yes, he has a responsibility to serve and love me no matter what, but my marriage will be markedly more wonderful if I’m committed to making that responsibility a joy and a treasure.

Do I see my husband as a gift?

Imagine you’re walking through a forest, thick with huge trees. Vines, brambles, and shrubs cover the trunks of the trees and the ground on which you’re treading. Bugs are everywhere. Ducking under a branch, you wipe cobwebs from your face, and look up to see a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is one, single, random apple tree.

That’s the way I need to view my husband. Not random haha. No, he’s a find!

In fact, the bride says of her husband:

  • I feel safe with him and trust that he is capable (“I delight to sit in his shade.”)
  • Having sex with him is a sweet delight to me (“His fruit is sweet to my taste.”)
  • When we’re together in public, I’m happy to see how he treasures me (“Let him lead me to the banquet hall.”)

Can I say those things? Or instead, do I think:

  • My husband is like a child and truly needs my help. I can’t trust him to do anything right.
  • He disgusts me. OR, being intimate with my husband is the last thing I want to do.
  • I take every chance to belittle and tease my husband when we’re among others. If he pays me a compliment, I turn it back into an attack on him.

These two tiny verses are challenging me to see my husband as the gift that he is and to strive to be a lily among thorns for him!

Did these verses challenge you to view your husband differently?

 

Two Tricks to Increase Intimacy in Marriage

Increase Intimacy

Do you know why I write about marriage every Wednesday? No, it’s not because “wedded” and “wednesday” are really cute together. But – bonus! – am I right?

I write about marriage on a weekly basis because I need help! I’m not a natural at self-sacrificial love or submission or even being halfway decent to my favorite person on the planet. Yeah. I’m kinda selfish.

When I am constantly giving in to my selfishness, my marriage suffers heavily. We get in one of those slumps where you think, What happened? I swear just yesterday we were best friends and having the time of our lives. Then Samuel’s pee all over the bathroom acted like a catalyst and BOOM – no more friends, no more lovers, no more awesome marriage.

Could be that’s just me?

What happens is that something we’ve done has broken down the intimacy in our marriage. I’m not talking about just sex, although that’s certainly an element of intimacy.

Intimacy is that connection, that spark in your marriage, that you share with no one else on the planet.

When I feel like our intimacy has evaporated, I’ve discovered two things are missing. OK, more than two things are missing, but these are two that are really easy to add back in!

1. We lack eye contact.

That’s right – we’ve stopped looking each other in the eyes, even when we’re talking only to each other!

Our conversations might be side-by-side, like in the car or on the couch.

Or, we might sit across from each other at dinner, but we’re looking at our food our Samuel the entire time we’re “talking”.

Or maybe we’re trying to have an “intimate” conversation to get some connection going, but we look at our hands or the floor instead of right in the eyeballs.

You’ll know this is something you’ve been missing when you find it hard to look your spouse in the eye, maybe not because of some sin even, but just because you’re out of practice and looking someone in the eyes connects you to their soul. (It’s why I always put on my date night eye makeup ;))

2. We have stopped touching.

Again, this could be sex, but often, we’ve stopped touching in other ways. My hugs are weaker than ones I give to a friend. We haven’t held hands in public in weeks. We sit with space between us rather than smooshed right up against each other. We don’t kiss unless it’s time for sex.

I love that Redbook’s April 2012 issue had an article titled Don’t even think about divorcing until… There were some really good (and some not so good) suggestions in this article to analyze what you really want when you start thinking about divorce. One expert, Hilda Hutcherson, their monthly “Intimate Answers” columnist finished the sentence by saying “… you try touching.”

Her entire quote on touching (which included why and how) was so right on.

So try it. When the intimacy is lacking in your marriage, look in your mate’s eyes. RIGHT IN THE PUPILS. Hold that gaze. And sit so close that you can’t breathe. Sacrifice your physical comfort at night to be close to them in bed. Practice PDAs.

And ZAP – intimacy increased!

You’re welcome. 🙂

You Need a Bedroom Makeover

 


Trust me when I say: You need a bedroom makeover.

Don’t worry; I know you’re broke like me. This kind of makeover is free.

You need to transform your “master bedroom” to the “wedding chamber”, “chamber of love”, “en gedi”, “love lair”,  {insert other cheesy name that references love here-add your own in the comments!}

Just for full disclosure, here are a couple of current pics from our bedroom. I didn’t tidy anything up before taking these. You’ll notice that I’m making some of the mistakes I list  below:

Here are some easy, free ways to turn your bla bedroom where you both (try) to sleep into a refuge – a place where you can both relax, linger, and unite (if you know what I mean).

Get rid of the pictures of your kids or parents!

Seriously. Rule number 1. How can you have sex or even romance in a room with your parents looking at you? And your kids? Yeah, if you’ve never thought about it, you should be ruined now. 😉 It’s a good thing.

 Those pictures are lovely, but they need to go somewhere else in the house. Instead, bring in pictures of you two. Pictures of you dating, pictures of your wedding, pictures of your honeymoon. I was recently at a friend’s apartment, where I saw a larger-than-life (seriously) picture of her and her husband passionately kissing. It was awesome!

You probably already have these types of pictures in your house, but they’re on the walls in the hallway, or on bookshelves in your living room. Bring those all into the bedroom. Your bedroom is for you two.

Find a new home for all of the kids’ stuff.

Unless you have a new baby bundle sleeping in a bassinet, you need to seriously consider this rule: No kids’ stuff in mommy’s and daddy’s room. Toys. Laundry. Sippy cups. Diaper bags. Your room should be the one room in your house that is allowed to be off-limits to kid things.

I’m not saying you can’t allow your kids in your room or even to play in there if that’s what works for you. I’m saying that at the end of the day, all of their stuff should be out. Whether that’s on the floor in the hallway, or tucked away nice and neat – either way.

Tidy

I know – who has time!? You should have seen our bedroom just a few months ago. I had a HUGE stack of things for a “garage sale” (which always ends in a donation instead :)), stacks of books I was trying to read, baby laundry everywhere, and power cords coming out of my ears.

I couldn’t see our room as a place for us. Instead, it looked like a holding pen for the j-u-n-k of our house. Gather up the garage sale donation pile, and get it donated already. Pick a couple of books that you’re actually reading right now, and put the rest on the shelves. Put the laundry, folded or not, in the baby’s room.

Now the power cords?  That one I don’t have a solution for yet (anyone have one for me!). The cords are too short to lay nicely against the wall, so they just spill all over the floor by my bedside table.

You get the idea. If your bedroom is not full of junk, when you two are in there, you can look into each others’ eyes and talk (or whatever else) without thinking about all of the stuff piled up everywhere.

Ambience

Pull in a couple of candles from your other rooms. Actually consider making the bed! And changing the sheets! Do you have any other special momentos that are sentimental to your relationship? Try to get them out in the open somewhere in your room.

Enjoy

It’s easy for this stuff to take over and get out of hand, so don’t beat yourself up when it does. Just remember that your priority once the kids are in bed and it’s just you two – is your marriage. And if you have a “wedding chamber” to visit for those special moments, rather than the couch, maybe you’ll visit more often?